Today, we’re going to discuss one of the greatest nuisances to a household: Aunts. We’re talking about aunts that overstay their welcome.
Defining Characteristics of Aunts
Yes, the sister of your parents has six legs, or at least she seems like she has six legs. How is she always in the way? They also have compound eyes and antennae that don’t miss any mishaps you may have preparing a holiday meal. On top of that, despite having such large claw-like jaws and a large torso, your food isn’t good enough for them. What a pest!
The first step in ridding yourself of these insects is to remove its food source. Though not all varieties of aunts are the same, there are a few things aunts generally swarm to.
- Wine. One of the biggest fuels sources for aunts (and their judgmental or embarrassing behavior) is wine, especially white wine. If you’ve got a white zinfandel sitting in your fridge, drink it fast or dump it out!
- Cheese. “Oh, this will go straight to my hips” can be heard throughout the house as Janet grabs yet another toothpick protruding from an applewood smoked gouda cube.
- Fancy bread or crackers. The more flavor your carbs has, the less likely you’ll get to see any yourself after Leslie goes in for “just one more.”
If simply removing the food source doesn’t work, it is time to bring in pest control. Here are a few things that tend to send these bugs back to the colony:
- Diaper Duty. “I’m swamped. Can you change Jax/Kaden/Jayden/Olivia/Sophia/Emma for me?
- Sports. Even if you don’t like sports, maybe turn on that football game and say “the refs won’t give the Bengals a break this year.”
- Be Boring. Talk only about that trip she couldn’t go on but was “so jealous” of. No matter what topic you’re on, I know you’re fully capable of bringing the conversation back to that HR convention in Tampa you went to in 2006.
Preventative Maintenance for Aunts
We all know the best way to get rid of aunts is to prevent them from showing up in the first place. Preventative maintenance is a major aspect of all pest control plans. The following tips can help you prevent your house from being overrun:
- Control the Information. The first step is to “forget” to tell your aunt she is invited until two weeks before. Chances are she still won’t have any plans, but you can hope!
- Invasive Species. You know that other relative or boyfriend your aunt cannot stand? There’s your number one invitee.
- Chemical Warfare. Be sure to mention at least a dozen times that you’ll be preparing your world-famous haggis and that she will love the smell. The secret ingredient is exasperation.
There you have it. These are our best tips for dealing with those who overstay their welcome. And, by the way, Happy April Fools Day!